Over the last decade, there have been a handful of professionals in the sex addiction treatment community who are trying to change the treatment of partners of sex addicts. This group is growing and has been joined by other therapists, life coaches, and pastoral counselors. It is exciting to see how much change has taken place and how many have adjusted their views to a more “partner-sensitive” approach.Read More
Now, think about how many guys you hear in group say, “I am doing everything right, I am going to meetings, therapy, staying sober, but she is still angry!” You might even be one of the guys saying this.Read More
I guess the honest answer is, love isn’t possible while those things are going on. What you are describing, as you know since you mentioned the addiction cycle, is preoccupation. A better word may be obsession. I loved my wife deeply, but when I got into that preoccupation phase, I was obsessed with all the planning. It was more exciting that the acting out. Driving to my ultimate destination, there was nothing coherent going through my mind. Just a one track mind, focused on what was about to happen. But let me assure you of this and maybe it will bring you some comfort. No matter where I was going, who I was going to meet, or what I was going to do, I was ALWAYS let down. NEVER satisfied. Instead I was left feeling sick and disgusted with myself. And yet, I’d go do it again, sometimes even the same day, to try to take away the shame of what I already did. And every time, I promised myself, never again.Read More
As time went on, one of my struggles was trying to figure out who my husband was. I saw our entire marriage as a lie. So what did that mean? I SO needed to figure out what that meant. What was real and what wasn’t? What parts of my husband were who he really was and what parts were a façade? Was any of it real? These were questions I was determined to find the answers to. For months I just wondered and asked questions, but doubted everything I heard, everything I thought, EVERYTHING. I went back and forth on whether I could ever heal, even if he didn’t ever cheat again. Had he just gone too far for there to be healing?Read More
I cannot tell you how many women have communicated to me their confusion over being told by well-meaning therapists and COSAleaders that they need to stop thinking about their husband and focus on themselves. Um…..seriously?! We find out our husband is addicted to looking at pornography or having sex with others, and the fact that we can’t stop thinking about it is unhealthy?Read More
One Certified Sexual Addiction Therapists’s website states, “A woman in a relationship with a sexual addict is a codependent of a sexual addict whose self esteem comes from success as a people-pleaser.” The bold print is not mine, it is how it is printed on the website. Pretty emphatic. It does not say “some women”, or “sometimes”, or even “often”. It says “is” implying “always”. The website goes on to say:Read More
Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” As you wander through this painful journey, my prayer for you is that you feel the Lord walking along side you, bringing you hope, guidance, and healing. Although your spirit has been crushed and your heart has been broken by the betrayal of someone you trusted, my hope is that you will ultimately find meaning in your suffering and a deeper relationship with God.
Disclaimer: While I am a licensed counselor in the state of Texas, this is a personal blog. Some of what I share is based on personal experience, some from professional experience. I will share opinions here, some that are based on nothing more than anecdotal evidence, without research conducted under controlled conditions to back them up. This blog is not intended to be a substitute for guidance and support from your own personal therapist.
Something must be done to stop these “experts” from causing even more damage in the lives of spouse’s of sex addicts.
The following are a few of the questions found on the ”Co-Sex-Addiction Self-Test” on this therapist’s website. (I think the title of the test should be “Are you normal?”)Read More